Category: Divorce

Moving Away from Fear

Divorce has a unique ability to dredge up fears from underneath our metaphorical bed. Our ability to heal from divorce and reclaim ourselves depends partly on our work to move away from fear. Some talk about tackling or conquering the things that make us afraid. Men, in particular, are told from a young age that we are not allowed to be scared. It’s not masculine.

However, I believe that recognizing and accepting that we are afraid, and learning to understand how to address our fears, is what makes us human. Everyone has fears. Coming out healthy on the other side of divorce depends on our ability to not conquer or get rid of fear, but move away from it so that it does not paralyze us from living meaningful lives.  Continue reading “Moving Away from Fear”

So You Want a Divorce. A Welcome Message to the Newly Separated.

Blogging has taken a backseat to being a single dad. Now full time since my kids’ mom passed away last summer. However, recently, I have been interacting with a number of folks who are newly separated and hurting. The pain I have been hearing has brought me out of my blogging slumber to offer some support to the newly separated.

If you made the choice to divorce, then I’m sorry that your circumstances led you to reach that decision. It is a painful choice filled with fear, worry and loneliness. Also…congratulations! You have made the choice to reclaim yourself. There is hope in that decision.

If the choice to divorce was made for you, then I’m sorry that your circumstances have led your partner to make a decision that you might not have made yourself. If you have read my story elsewhere on this blog, then you know that this was my painful experience as well. Also…congratulations! From this point on you own your identity, your recovery, your path forward. There is hope in that agency.  Continue reading “So You Want a Divorce. A Welcome Message to the Newly Separated.”

Parenting after the death of an ex spouse.

My ex-wife, the woman I knew from our time in college and who I had 3 kids with, passed away three days ago, after a 14 year battle with breast cancer.

If you have read my other posts you will know that her almost 4 year affair ended our marriage, and the resulting fallout was complicated and full of conflict.

In the last 3 months I went from being a part-time single dad, to a partial full-time single dad (my daughter was told to leave the other house in April by my ex-mother-in-law and the affair partner), to a completely full-time single dad with my ex’s passing.

Over the last few days my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. I don’t know if I am feeling some version of grief, or if I am just a witness to the grief my kids are feeling from her passing. The complicated nature of the last 4-7 years has made her passing complicated.

I decided to process the onslaught of feelings by listing the thoughts and questions that have been running through my head the last few days. For better or for worse, in no particular order: Continue reading “Parenting after the death of an ex spouse.”

5 New Year Habits of Mind for the Divorced Dad

As divorced dads we have survived the holidays. Whether we were with family or trying to make it through on our own, we are now on the other side. The New Year has begun. Here are 5 things to consider when planning out our new beginnings. These are not resolutions. Resolutions tend to be broken. These are habits, frames of mind that can guide our choices in the new year.

One. We will be better about NOT reacting when triggered by our ex. Continue reading “5 New Year Habits of Mind for the Divorced Dad”

15 Children’s Picture Books to Fight for when Divorcing

One of the joys of being a parent is sharing books we remember from our own childhood, as well as new ones we discover, with our kids. We build our collection, enjoying the pictures, characters and their stories. Then we separate from our spouse and we have to figure out how to agree on a division of marital property. When it came to splitting the children’s picture books I wish I had put my name in them years before, officially claiming them for my own with bold black ink.

The books listed in this blog post are a few of the picture books that I won custody of in the divorce. I read these with my children, over and over again. Some of these books I enjoy because of their illustrations. Others because of the characters. I hope you find some new finds in this list, and rediscover some treasured classics.

Disclosure: I am an affiliate marketer with Amazon. Although the books in this list actually do exist on my bookshelf, I will receive compensation if you click on the images or titles, and purchase the book from Amazon.

Owl Moon,  by Jane Yolen

This is a gorgeous book. The water color illustrations help set the mood for the story of a father who takes his daughter owling under a winter’s moon. The story is told by the daughter, now grown, recollecting her childhood trips into the snow with her Pa. My kids and I would “Whoo-whoo-who-who-who-whooooooo” along with her and her dad, hoping for a site of an owl under the Owl Moon.

The Munschworks Grand Treasury,  by Robert Munsch

Robert Munsch is one of the funniest storytellers there is. He has written countless classics about Paperbag Princesses, Mortimers who won’t go to sleep, out of control ponytails, and pigs run amok.

We loved the stories so much we bought The Munschworks Grand Treasury, which brings 15 of his stories together in one place. Even my students, tough to please teenagers, have cracked up over the years as I read to them from this collection. Just wonderful. Continue reading “15 Children’s Picture Books to Fight for when Divorcing”

Who Calls You on Your Bullshit?

Have you ever found yourself frustrated by someone else?

Continually?

Could it be that you are doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, and then ending up frustrated when the other person’s behavior is no different?

Who do you have to call you on your bullshit? Continue reading “Who Calls You on Your Bullshit?”

5 Scary “Girl Things” for Single Dads

When you get divorced you all of a sudden add new roles to your single parenting job. These are duties that you would probably not have had the opportunity to experience while still married. This is especially true for fathers of daughters.

When married the “girl things” were probably passed on to your wife to handle. Now, as the sensitive new aged single dad that you are, confusion, embarrassment, and often terror are a regular part of your day as your daughter’s increasingly feminine needs fall to you to figure out.

girl-sitting-posing-trees

No one properly prepared us to help our daughters with these girl things. They often pop up unexpectedly. My goal with this post is not to give you all the answers, but to give you some things to think about ahead of time. Warnings that will help you properly prepare your already frazzled emotions.

1. Boys (or girls) Let’s start with an easy one. Continue reading “5 Scary “Girl Things” for Single Dads”

Why do Some Mothers Reject their Own Children? A Narcissist’s Revenge

I knew that our new dog had been used as a breeder at a local puppy mill. She had been a new momma within the last few weeks. Her body showed it.

As we finished up the paperwork, and the kids took our five year old parent out to the car, the shelter worker leaned over to me and quietly told me something she had been holding back. Our new mom had not wanted to be one. She had killed her puppies. She had rebelled at the idea of being a parent and had thrown her kids around her cage, until all but one of her ten were gone. No longer a benefit to them the owners of the mill had given our sweet pup up to the shelter.

When we returned home I opened up an email from my ex to my daughter’s school and therapists, reminding me that we were having our own mother-child issues. Continue reading “Why do Some Mothers Reject their Own Children? A Narcissist’s Revenge”

Did Motown Know Anything About Adultery?

Cover Image: By Motown/Tamla Records-photographer-James Kriegsmann, New York (Billboard page 13) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Did the Motown artists that sang about infidelity ever actually get cheated on?

I get it. You break up with someone and you go through different levels of sadness. But with infidelity it isn’t just levels. There is an edge to that type of break-up.

A break-up caused by infidelity requires…stages.

This post describes 7: shock, denial, obsession, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

The Motown artists seem to have never gone through any of those…or maybe they just got stuck in denial.

Take “I’d Rather Go Blind” by Etta James for example:

I would rather, I would rather go blind boy
Than to see you, walk away from me, child, oh, oooh
So you see I love you so much
That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby

Continue reading “Did Motown Know Anything About Adultery?”

A peek into coparenting with a narcissist

Since separating from my ex-wife I have come to understand that she has narcissistic tendencies that I had never seen before. As I recovered from her affair and its fall out I learned to avoid interacting with her around anything involving my feelings.

However, it is much harder to avoid interacting with her when it comes to the kids. Over the last month my daughter has been living with me full time ever since her mother called the police on her. I have been doing my best to support my daughter and trying to help her understand how to talk with her mother.

On most days my daughter does not want anything to do with her. The reason she gives is that her mother focuses on herself, and does not apologize. My daughter is feeling the full brunt of her mother’s self-centered narcissism.

And like a fool I keep hoping that I can help my ex understand what she needs to do to help resolve the issues between the two of them. Copied below is an exchange of texts I had with my ex this morning. It is a snippet, a sample, of what a conversation with a narcissistic co-parent might look like. Continue reading “A peek into coparenting with a narcissist”